And the winner is...

Throughout our adoption process we have heard all kinds of rude, funny, ignorant, and/or invasive comments/questions. But the other day I was asked the winner of all questions (even beating out my 75-year-old sweet little grandma's comment of, "Well what's a Jap woman gonna do for the church?"), and it was (*drumroll*):  

 "Does she have real parents?"

I was speechless. I stared. I cocked my head to one side...waiting for this lady to realize what she had just said and correct herself or apologize or something...nope. She just kept looking at me, waiting for an answer. All I could think to say was, "You mean, biological parents?" And again, waited for her to realize what she had just said....nope...she said, "Yeah." And I said, "Uh...yyyeees."  In my head I wanted to say, "No, she was created from stardust." LOL, good times.

Aaaanyway...
This weekend we get TWO welcome home showers for Violet! One Saturday with our NCA friends and family and then one Sunday at church with our NWA friends and family!! I can't wait to see the cute stuff she gets - especially the sweet little homemade things I know some ladies at church are making!!

America Smells Awesome! Home 2.5 Weeks...still alive!

Phew! Jet lag hit me hard! I was really hoping to be one of those awesome people who blogged everyday on their trip and everyday once home...hmmm, nope. TOO TIRED!

Some days I really find myself missing Korea! But I do NOT miss the smell! It is a seaweed/sewage/motor oil  scent. I could not wait to get home and take a big sniff of good ol' USofA. I have a new appreciation for America! And I still notice how good it smells here every time I go outside.

After my last Korea post we also went to Insadong, which is another outdoor market/mall and bought some prescription glasses because you can get them REALLY CHEAP & FAST in Korea! Clay & I both have to wear glasses all the time - no contacts - and they are hundreds of dollars in the US! This was such a great find. When I find where I have hidden my camera I will upload pictures. We also went to Lotte World (we did not go into the theme park), but it was not as cool as everyone said it was. There was this absolutely so-awful-it-was-funny Korean culture museum and a grocery store and some shops. We then went to Home Plus which was kind of like a WalMart Supercenter only nicer and more expensive and on multiple levels - the best part was their amazing shopping carts that rolled easily in every direction.

On Friday we had our 2nd meeting with Violet. And on Monday at 3pm we got her forever! It was VERY sad! The president Dr. Kim said a prayer in Korean and the foster mom was crying. Clay & I both hugged the foster mom - which we are told not to do, because it is not in their custom - but we really didn't care at that moment. We're American and we hug - cry about it.  Then the social worker told us to get Violet and Clay took her and we walked out of the room. I still cannot hardly stand the pain the foster mom must have felt.

We took Violet to our room and she started crying. We made her a bottle and turned the lights low so she could take her nap, but she never did. She didn't cry a lot, just mostly a sad whine. At dinner time Clay put her in the carrier (which got a lot of stares - I don't think men typically carry the babies! lol) & she fell right to sleep - and then we walked to KFC! Clay ate standing up so she would stay asleep. That night she would sleep laying on top of me most of the night and I got very little sleep. We woke up at 5 to get ready and pack. Our driver came at 7am to take us to the airport. Violet did really well! Very little crying and lots and lots of sleeping. She slept almost the entire flight home! ON ME! I was very tired and sore. She was instantly attached to me (not to be confused with bonded) and Clay could only hold her if she couldn't SEE me.

We finally made it HOME! My mom, MIL and Aidan and Faith met us at the airport! I was so happy to see them! Violet cried for a few minutes in the car seat and then she was fine the whole drive home (as long as she couldn't see me). Our friends Luke and Caroline met us at our house and brought us dinner! That was so nice! My MIL stayed for a few days to help with Aidan and Faith which was also nice. I was very jet lagged and tired and still on Korea time. So I wanted to sleep during the day with Violet and was up all night. Luckily Violet slept all night too. Her way of grieving has been to sleep, sleep, and sleep. 

I also had pretty bad vertigo the entire time I was in Korea and for a couple weeks after coming home. It is finally gone! That was NO FUN! It also made me very tired and nauseated!

We are home and trying to adjust. I finally have my sleep schedule back to normal. Violet is an EXCELLENT sleeper! 1-2 naps during the day, ready to go to sleep at 9, wakes up 6-7! We are all still trying to bond to one another. I am very anxious for this! It gets better every day though. Violet has recently bonded with Aidan, and him with her! That has been very sweet to see!! They love each other!

Here are some Violet fun facts:
Violet loves to eat! This is not something I am used to after 2 very picky eaters (Faith hated food period!!) It is kinda fun to be able to give her anything and she will eat it! She loves Cheerios, bread, and seasoned seaweed most of all.

She loves to raise her arms up high which I saw her do with her foster mom. I learned that this is a Korean baby game "Man Seh!" So now she will do it every time I say "Man Seh!"

She does not walk! Nor does she like to learn!

She cries "Ooomma!" when she is sad/scared (which is every time I put her down, change her diaper, wipe her face, give her a bath, take off her socks/clothes)

She does not like to hold her own bottle! I think she knows how, but refuses to do it - and it hurts her feelings if you try and get her to. She also has no idea how to use a sippy cup (and will only try it if I am holding it for her)

She is ornery! She pinches, bites, and hits! She will completely ignore when you tell her "no" (she will sometimes listen when you say "hajima!"). I have tried to teach her some sign language but she will not pay attention...

She can be very lovey and gives kisses and lays her head on my shoulder and likes for me to hold her like a baby and feed her a bottle.

We have only heard her laugh a couple times and it has been in the last couple days. She gets scared very easily when up high (holding her up high while standing, and even picking her up from the floor to swiftly), but if you hold her up while laying a bed, she thinks this is very funny. And jumping on a bed!

SHE LOVES TO BE OUTSIDE!!! Our best days are when we can go outside! I wish it would stop raining!!

She still cries when Clay picks her up if she can see me.

She did really well her first time at church. We have learned she loves to be around people - and out of the house.

Korea, Day 2 or 3...I don't really know.

blogging

I am so mixed up on my days. It is 5 am here in Seoul, we are wide awake. It is very rainy outside. So we decided to blog and upload some pictures and eat breakfast. I am pretty sure I am drinking orange juice made from mandarin oranges. Very odd.

Clay making breakfast in the guesthouse

lunch with Dr. Kim and other families

Yesterday morning I could not wake up. I felt drugged. I guess that was jet lag. Eventually I had to wake up because we were to meet with Dr. Kim for lunch. She is a very sweet lady. We met in her office and there was another couple there from Los Angeles who was adopting their third child. Dr. Kim had us watch a video on Eastern (oddly enough it was a video I had already found and watched on YouTube), and then we went to a lunch room type area and there was a table set up covered in Korean food. Also there was another couple there from New York and their two teenage children adopted from Korea. They had come back to visit Korea with their children. They were all very nice! The food was good and we got to talk and ask each other questions. When that was over Clay and I went back to our room to change and then we went to the nursery to see the babies!! That was my favorite part! I wish I could do that every day! We were not allowed to take pictures, but there are multiple rooms with rows and rows of babies. Some were just days old. At first  I was told to hold Chong Soo, a CUTE, sweet little 8 month old baby. He was the wiggliest baby I have ever held. While I was holding him one of the nursery staff ladies told me he had a family in America! He was being adopted! He will live in Colorado! Oh how I wish I could find his parents and tell them I got to hold him!! Then the lady told me to go in the next room and sit at a table with him. I was not sure why. Then suddenly there was this big entourage of people all dressed up. Turns out it was some famous Korean celebrity that had stopped by to donate some baby items and visit the babies! His name is Choi Soo Jong. Dr. Kim introduced him to Clay and a photographer took their picture! Amazing! Then they walked passed me sitting with Chong Soo at the table and took my picture with him! I wonder if these pictures will be in some Seoul newapaper or magainze! We will check today. http://www.askactor.com/actor/Choi_Soo_Jong/galleries/

Choi Soo Jong

After that Clay and I just walked around picking up babies every time they cried and rocking them. I hope they all get adopted, they are so precious. I learned that after the adoptive parents go home with their children, the foster mom can then go right upstairs to the nursery and pick out another baby to take home if they choose. There are just not enough foster parents for all the babies. Some of the babies upstairs are 3-4 months old and laying in that bed day after day is the only life they have known. I assume they go to a different baby home once they start becoming more mobile. Our foster mother chose our little Violet at 2 months old. I am so thankful she chose her.
We eventually pried ourselves away from the babies and we ventured out to try out the subway and try and find the toy market. Everyone has told us how extremely easy the subway is to use. Well, we could not figure out to buy a subway card! They had machines everywhere to buy a ticket for one stop, but we wanted to buy the pass that lets you go all you want (well at least as much as we would need while we are here). Finally, we found a subway worker and he took us into the "Information Office" and went to his desk drawer and pulled one out! I am not sure if everyone else had to do this to get a card, but I'm thinking that 11 million people in Seoul do not go to his desk for their card. There was this nice kid who spoke English and he helped us take it to the machine and put money on it. And he asked where we were from and we said "America" and he said "I like American dramas". (Earlier that day we were flipping through the channels in our room and I saw an advertisement for all the CSIs) So I said, "CSI?" and he smiled and said "yes!" LOL

Seoul at night

Subway

Seoul

What are you thinking Dusty Butt

Outdoor toy market

Outdoor market

So this was my first subway experience. I am sure it is nothing like American subways. Of course, all I know is what I see in movies - how they are dark, dangerous and smell like pee - but this subway was spotlessly clean and bright.
There are 11 million people in Seoul so there is never a second where you are totally alone, so you always feel very safe wherever you go. We arrived at our stop and arrived at the "toy market". Which is a long street that looks like an alleyway filled with an abundance of different stuff. That is something about Korea, there is so much stuff! It just overflows onto the sidewalks and streets everywhere. Bags and buckets and boxes full of stuff everywhere! We bought a few souvenirs for the kids, but we did not find any great deals (everything was so expensive! 30,000\ & 40,000\ for small plastic teething rings and dolls!) Hopefully we can find some better deals elsewhere today.

Toy store

Outdoor market

We started to get hungry and decided to head back. We saw an advertisement for Outback Steakhouse in the subway and a hamburger sounded pretty good so we decided to go there if we could find it. We got to a street corner (there are always people walking and waiting at crosswalks) and Clay asked a couple if they knew where Outback was (most Koreans speak at least some English) and they said they were headed to Outback too and we could follow them! We got there and wouldn't you know it, they only served hamburgers at lunch time! Not for dinner! So we had chicken, and it was good. Headed back to Eastern we got a little turned around and Clay asked another couple on the corner where the Renai building was and the man had a little Asian flush going on and he thought it was so funny we were talking to him and his wife and they did not speak any English and he started making motions with his hands about my umm, hourglass figure (I just figured he was calling me fat), and making motions to Clay about trading wives! His wife was laughing and we were all laughing and he started showing me his muscles and Clay was still asking where the Renai building was and they were still saying they didn't know English and his wife was laughing and saying "sorry, fine thank you!" like trying to tell me that was the only English she knew, and that made me laugh! "Sorry, fine thank you!"  Oh boy, that was a fun time...
We finally found our way back to Eastern and went straight to bed at about 9pm.
It's Friday morning here and I just talked on the phone with my mom and Aidan. Faith has gone to her first sleepover at her friend Aubrey's house. Mom said she is very excited! I hope she makes it through the night! Aidan had a good day at school. His GT class had Science Olympiad and Aidan won first place in aerodynamics (paper airplane making)! And his school won 2nd place overall! They all ate lunch at CiCis pizza and my mom and Faith went and ate with them! Sounds like they are having a great time and that is very comforting! I miss them and can't wait to see them!!
Today we get to see Violet again! I hope she is more comfortable with us today. More updates to come! Excuse the odd placement of pictures. It is very difficult to move pictures in Blogger for some reason!!
~Amanda

The subway was much easier to use than most U.S. cities. The stations are very large, so for transfers, getting from the street to the train, and from the train to the street there is a lot of walking.I did show my muscles to that man, but didn't show off my dancing abilities like that guy did. I wish I would have, I am such a great dancer! ;)

-Clay

I JUST MET MY DAUGHTER!! (We made it! What an Adventure!)

She is SO BEAUTIFUL!

Oh. My. Gosh. You would not even believe what we have been through. This may not make sense because i haven't slept but I want to start at the beginning. First Tulsa helped us to miss our flight on Monday morning and we thought we would not even be able to come until this nice Delta couple found us an alternative route to Incheon. God continued to answer prayers the rest of the day. We had to first go to Salt Lake City where we had a 6.5 hour layover. Then, we flew to LAX with a 7 hour layover - flight leaving at 11:30pm. (Mind you this is all after we had gotten up at 3am to make our Tulsa flight.) When we arrived at LAX we wanted to make sure what gate we were leaving from but when we got there Korean Air said Tulsa had booked us on a business class flight and we only paid for economy and they were out of economy seats. We were so upset! After walking back and forth from 2 buildings (domestic/international) a few times we found someone to help us. He got Korean Air to put us on standby for economy seats & if we couldn't get on, he said he could book us on a flight leaving the next day at noon. So we had to wait up until 10:50pm to learn whether we got a seat or not. Well about 9:30 we found out we got 2 standby tickets! yay! But we were not seated together. Luckily there were 2 nice ladies who wanted to sit elsewhere and they traded with us! So we got to sit together! So after 12 hour flight to Incheon it was 4:30am in Korea and our driver would not be picking us up until 8am! We are so unbelievably tired by now. So our driver takes us to ESWS and we were told he was going to tell us when our meeting with our daughter was. Well, he didn't know. He said he would take us downstairs to the office to ask. He showed us our room, we had just enough time to set down our bags and walked back out. When we got to the office the lady in there said it was time to meet with our social worker! AHH! WHAT?!! This never happens. So there we wait - dirty, smelly, and tired. In walks the social worker. She barely speaks any English and tells us we will be meeting our daughter at 11am. It was 9:40am. Again - WHAT?!!! So we asked if we could go to our room to change our clothes and after filling out some paperwork she let us go. We showered and changed and immediately headed back downstairs and into a little room and there was the foster mom holding the little face I have seen only in pictures! I cried. She is SO PRETTY! Her little lip immediately went down and she clung tight to her foster mother. Soon we sat down and she would let me play with her a little with some balls. She loves balls! She didn't like for Clay nor I to touch her though. She loves her foster mother very much. She is going to be so sad when they part. Please pray for her. Then the social worker asked in her broken English "when do you want your baby?" And I said, "NOW." And she laughed. So we will get her on Monday evening before we leave. Oh boy, that will be a rough night. We will also meet Dr. Kim the director of the agency tomorrow. I am nervous about that! Anyway, our social worker then said it was time to go and we came straight up to the "Business Center" - as they call it - to blog!! Enjoy some pictures!

15 months old, waiting 10 months!

 

 Violet will be 15 months old this month. 

And I finally get to meet her in 4 days. This is unreal. It is still hard for my brain to fully process it is really happening. Maybe once we are on that plane it will sink in.  We have been waiting so long. Today marks 10 months of waiting since referral. And its finally over.

 We have been waiting for her, but she has not been waiting for us. I am grieving for the pain she and her foster mother will experience. My stomach is in knots. I am completely scatterbrained and can't seem to get organized. 4 more days...

TRAVEL CALL!!!!

We got it!! 

We got it!!! 

Monday morning at 9am Clay calls me and has our agency on 3-way and she tells us we can now make our travel arrangements and go get our daughter!! Clay was in California until Tuesday night, so he called a travel agent and made our travel arrangements today. We are leaving for Korea in 5 days!!!
My anxiety level is through the roof! I am terrified of flying and I have never been out of the country. I am nervous and excited to meet my daughter. I can't believe its actually happening! I have SO MUCH to do to prepare.
I found this wonderfully worded letter from an adoption website, and would like to share it:

Dear Family and Friends,

As we prepare for the arrival of our daughter, we have learned that while buying cute outfits and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our baby. In her short life, our daughter will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes will be for her. While she may not consciously remember the events, she will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. She's already experienced the loss of a birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. Her world will turn upside down. She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and she may lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs.

We have prepared to meet her emotional needs so that she does learn that we will always take care of her and we will always keep her safe. We need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment we will allow her to regress so that she has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite her chronological age. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. Until she has learned that we are her parents, we will need to be her primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always hold her, feed her, and do all of the nurturing. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow her lead and trust our instincts as her parents rather than worry about what society expects.

We have all been waiting anxiously for our daughter to arrive but she has not been waiting for us. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways and we are prepared to help her through it and prove that we are a forever family and this truly is her last stop. We trust that as our family and friends you will help us to do what is best for our daughter, and we thank you in advance for your support and understanding.

Sincerely,


Clay & Amanda

Still waiting, and Things I Learned

Still no travel call.
We did, however, finally get all of our education requirements completed and turned in!!! I am SO glad it is all done! Such a relief!

Also completed all the required reading!  Some things I learned from Lois Ruskai Melina's "Raising Adopted Children":

Adoptive parents are no longer encouraged to use the "chosen baby" story to explain their motives for adopting. This explanation places an enormous burden on the adoptee, giving them an impossible image to live up to. She could be unchosen if she reveals herself to be imperfect.

Researchers are finding that genetics plays an influential role in the development of intelligence, personality, and even vocational interests. Recognizing the limitations of environmental influences can help parents be more unconditionally accepting of the children.

Children may grieve their losses again years later when they gain more understanding. They may be withdrawn, distracted, confused, clingy, or have bouts of sadness or anger. Adoption issues are never completely put to rest.  By containing an open atmosphere in which the child feels comfortable discussing his feelings, by validating those feelings, and by providing unconditional support, parents can help her through her period of mourning toward acceptance and understanding.

And also "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah D. Gray:

Parents must be encouraged to enjoy meeting their child’s early needs for nurture. Doing so is taking a positive step toward ensuring that their child does not become a desperately needy adult later on.  The most successful parents are those who use highly nurturing approaches in parenting any children, including those who have had a rough start.
 
Until children are well-attached to their parents, big hugs, lap-sitting, long gazes, and being carried are intimate expressions of love reserved for members of the nuclear family - with the possible exception of grandparents.